Leah - "I would have told you I was a Christian..."

We sometimes think that when we go on a short-term mission trip, we’re going over to minister to people and “be the hands and feet of God” to help change people “over there”. But, God always uses such trips to change us - to do a mighty work in our hearts! Here’s one such experience…

“I was very fortunate to grow up in a loving, encouraging, Christian home. My parents were and still are a loving couple who worked hard to provide for my brother and I to attend private school and participate in whatever extracurriculars we wanted to try. My parents were very involved in our church, and it was an expectation that we would be at church every Sunday.

 “I grew up in the church, attending Sunday school, Bible school, children's choir, and confirmation. I started to pull away from the church in my teens when I became discouraged by the hypocrisy of the kids that were attending youth group. I knew that the vast majority of them were spending Friday and Saturday nights drinking, having sex, and partying, and then they were showing up on Sunday for Sunday School. This continued into college; I attended one Young Life meeting, but never went back. After graduating, I worked seven days a week, and had no interest in attending church. If you had asked me, I would have told you I was a Christian, that I was a good person. I didn't drink or party; I worked long hours, focusing on growing my business and sleeping enough to make it through the next exhausting day.

 “After Jason and I got married in 2012, we moved to Austin, Texas. On the day we were moving in, our neighbors from two door down came over and invited us to dinner. From there, they invited us to go to church with them and join in their weekly community group. This was the first time I had engaged in church as an adult. It felt like, for the first time, I was doing it by choice, not by mandate from my parents.

“After a year, we moved to Savannah, GA, quickly finding a church to join. To become members at this church, we had to meet with the pastor and share our testimonies; they also required that Jason and I do a submersion baptism, since we had only been sprinkled as kids. I remember hating sharing my story because I felt like I didn't have a dramatic moment of submissions or repentance; I had simply grown up in the church, wandered away, and was back now. I was very defensive about the idea of needing to be re-baptized; I felt like I was being judged or questioned for being a part of a club that I had always assumed I was in. We never ended up formally joining that church, switching to a different church.

“Here, I participated in MOPS and attended numerous Bible studies. If I'm being honest, this is where I started to question whether or not I had truly surrendered and was fully engaged in a relationship with Jesus. I did the studies, we tithed, I sang all the songs, feeling the deeply, but I still doubted. I still had questions, though I never voiced them out loud. I prayed to have Jesus in my heart on multiple occasions; I prayed for His peace to get me through the deployments, but I never really felt any different. It was a daily battle not to be short-tempered with my son, feeling lonely despite being around people all day, and constantly feeling stressed about things out of my control.

“In 2018, we moved to Lynchburg, almost by accident. We weren't supposed to be stationed here; our orders said Charlottesville, which had been our number one choice. I was SO angry when we found out we were coming here. In January of 2019, we started attending Blue Ridge. In March of this year, I was invited by a friend to join her Truth Group. A few month later, I started writing a blog for the Women Speaking Truth podcast. Again, I was doing all the research, finding all the right answers, and putting in the time and effort, but I didn't feel any different. I knew I hadn't truly surrendered my life, but at this point, I was too embarrassed to say anything about it.

“On the outside, I was doing the work, but it wasn't catching hold of my heart. At one point, my husband rightly accused me of being "hard hearted". As you can imagine, I didn't take that very well. Mostly because I knew it was true, and I didn't like being called out for it.

“This July, after meeting her one time at a birthday dinner for a friend, Andy, messaged me, asking me if I wanted to go to Africa with her. My initial thought was that she had me confused for someone else. I have never in my life felt compelled or called to go on a missions trip. My husband was all for it, and I said yes mainly because I couldn't think of a good enough excuse to say no. I really wasn't sure of my roll in the trip, if I had anything to add to the group that was going to put on a two-day women's conference for in Gulu, Uganda. In the lead up to the trip, I ended up being in charge of the logistics of our group. I am a 1 on the Enneagram, and, if nothing else, I'm amazing a making to-do lists and bossing people around. If I'm super honest, I really didn't want to go on the trip.   If I could have gotten my money back the day before we left, I would have happily taken it and stayed behind.

“We went and put on a wonderful conference, we saw shocking amounts of poverty, and met some of the kindest, most selflessly happy people I have ever met in my life.  On our second to last day in Uganda, after our last dinner, Andy, Galyn, and I were sitting around the table talking. Andy asked me why I thought I had come to Uganda. I told her that I still didn't know. I was moved deeply by a lot of the things we had experienced, but I wasn't sure I had been affected in the way all the other women in our group seemed to have been. Andy asked me to share my testimony.

“After recounting my story, she bluntly stated that she didn't think I was truly a believer. She said that there was a distance between me and everyone else in the group. I was doing all the things and putting in the effort, but she could tell I hadn't fully surrendered or built a personal relationship with Jesus. I was dumbfounded. She was right. I couldn't deny it. Also, I surprisingly didn't feel the need to be deny or be confrontational about it. Later, Andy told me she had expected me to put up more of a fight, to argue with her, but I didn't have a reason to fight. I wanted to feel different, to be different. I wanted to feel the Holy Spirit, wanted to be lead by a greater purpose and power. I had prayed for it many times, but never felt it.

“I don't remember our exact conversation, but it ended up with me on my knees, sobbing, asking for Jesus to be in my heart. I felt so tired of trying to do everything by myself. I was tired of feeling alone, feeling angry, and pretending to be something I wasn't. I can't explain exactly why that time was different, but I know it was. I felt a warmth in my body that I had never felt before. Andy and Galyn both said they had chills and felt God in the room. It's nice to have their confirmation, but I know it my heart that that time, my prayers of surrender had been heard and answered.

 “As my five year old son simply states, ‘Jesus died for me.’ Jesus died to take away my sin, to take away the death that I rightly deserve for my sinful, human nature. He died so I can live eternally with the Father once I pass on from this earth. He sacrificed His perfect life for my flawed one. He died to extend me a grace I don't deserve.

“I don't have to wonder anymore if I am a believer. I believe Jesus died for my sins, and I want to follow Him. The biggest changed I've noticed is in the much more calm and patient manner I have when interacting with my son. Previously, interactions with him would frequently be marred with anger, attitude (from both of us), and short-temperedness. Now, there will be times that I sit back in wonder at my calm reaction to a situation that previously would have sent me flying off the handle. It dawned on me that my previous natural human tendencies of stress, anger, annoyance are starting to be replaced by the Fruits of the Spirit: peace, love, patience, self-control. I have had more than one person tell me my face looks different. I don't think my wrinkles have started disappearing, but something about my demeanor seems to be different. There have been so many ways that God has guided our lives to bring me to this point, despite my reluctance and reservation. I am excited for a future where I say yes to the plans God has for my life. I can only imagine what is in store if I follow Jesus with a joyful and open heart. I want to follow whatever God has planned for me and my family.

“I want to be baptized because I want to proudly declare that Jesus is my savior and that I am a child of God.”

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